I loved you. I f***ing well loved you. (2021)

Mimi, NI Studios, June 2020

Mixed media on A0 Canvas

Art is subjective, and what I love most about it is that so many people can derive their own thoughts, feelings, and theories behind a painting.

In saying this, I know that personally, I like to hear answers to questions I don't yet know.

So, I thought I'd start a regular blog post to explain some of my more personal work, to those who'd want to know.

“I loved you, I f**king well loved you” is quite literally, the most cathartic piece of work that I have ever produced. It is messy, thick, chaotic, and explosive. I pretty much attacked my canvas with a pallet knife until the faces I’d painted were unrecognisable. This was to symbolise that I am so angry, but also trying to wipe the slate clean in my own mind. I don’t want to be scared of relationships in any capacity anymore, just because people who needed to go to therapy decided to fuck me up instead.

I have always struggled with the power dynamic within relationships, whether that be platonic or otherwise. Without getting too deep or messy, near to all the relationships in my life have been in the other person’s favour; I give, give, and give, whilst the other party continues to take everything that I have only to then leave me empty.

As I have grown older, wiser, and uglier, I have started to question my roles within my friendships/relationships with others in my life. At first, to my detriment, combing over every sordid detail of every time that I have been taken advantage of, spoken down too, walked all over, all whilst trying to give whoever it may be the world to make them happy.

I’ve now realised that this isn’t my place and never was – and just because too many people (myself included) haven’t been shown a great example of what love is meant to be, doesn’t mean that I can or should be hurt or used whilst they’re figuring it out. I’m no longer going to allow myself to be a practice run for people to navigate their skewed relation to what they think that love is.

Without going in depth to my experiences, this painting was my way to let out my frustration, hurt and confusion in a healthy way, which hopefully others could get some form of catharsis from too.

And finally, to anyone reading this who is a driving force for this painting…

I loved you. I f*cking well loved you. F*ck you.